Jokes originally posted to FaceBook and Twitter
Curling
“It’s unlike anything else you do in life. The pressures are so deep. If you start out a little slow, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat.” — UN team responsible for disarming Syria’s chemical weapons. Nah, just kidding. That’s a direct quote from the NBC curling commentator.
How is curling always on TV? How? Is it weird like cricket in that a match can last for days? Do the players get so bored they take nap breaks?
Question: What do the WWF and curling have in common?
Answer: What is the Stone, the Rock, and the Hammer.
Commentator 1: “In curling we call that a flash.” Commentator 2: “A flash?” and then an audible laugh. But let’s give him credit for all the times he hasn’t laughed, okay?
“The USA with the hammer.” Damn straight! We will hammer your ass! Bring it! Oh, wait…a hammer isn’t that bad ass when it looks like a Swifer Sweeper.#curling
“It’s a head scratcher for sure.” — Curling commentator, direct quotation. I can only assume he was questioning why he chose to devote any part of his life to become an expert on the rules of curling. Poor guy.
The Skeleton
Inventor: We need a name for this new sport where you lay on your stomach and hurl down an ice shoot on cookie sheet at a 80 mph.
PR man: The Grim Reaper?
Inventor: Was thinking a wee bit less literal. Kind of get the mind away from the fact you absolutely will die.
PR man: The Skeleton?
Inventor: Better.
Please, someone confirm that the German translation of a man who competes in the skeleton is “der Skeletor.” Please.
Olympian: “I race the skeleton.”
Me: “Why? Could you not get a job when you graduated? Don’t give up yet.”
“Anything goes in these [skeleton] races.” And then the Latvian went down buck naked and the Russian threw molotov cocktails at his opponents. It’s getting real.
Figure Skating and Ice Dancing
There’s a lot drama and intrigue around the women’s figure skating medal. Well, until you change the channel. Then it’s as controversial and memorable as what you ate for breakfast.
A commentator described the figure skater’s choice as “courageous.” It really was. Just like my choice to go with the house wine at dinner. I’m sure Tom Brokaw will do a mini – series on both of us.
I give @ScottHamilton84 a perfect 10 for overusing superlatives so they become completely devoid of all superlative meaning
“Hey, if you were keeping score [of figure skating]…” Nope. That is absolutely not what I was doing. I was blankly staring at the screen waiting for the half pipe to come back.
“Skating on Olympic ice is different than any other surface.” — Scott Hamilton, commentator. Yeah, that triple axle must be impossible on grass.
Twizzle? “Twizzle” is an ice dancing move? I had no idea Snoop Dog was involved in ice dancing, fo’ shizzle my dancing dizzles.
I wonder if anyone ever did a study on how the rankings by the Fashion Police of ice dancing outfits compare to the judges scores. I bet there is a positive correlation.
Speed Skating
Does Korea know that speed skating is not human bowling?
I don’t know about the US women’s speed skating team, but my non-aerodynamic uniform is definitely why I haven’t won a medal. And the fact I hold onto to side of the rink. But mostly my uniform.
Macro-economics theorizes countries should recognize & capitalize on their comparative advantage in production. The Netherlands decided about 300 years ago that their niche would be windmills, tall people, speed skaters, the ability to ride bicycles while carrying groceries and walking your dog, and a language that’s just a collection of funny sounds.
Russia: Absolutely not. Is that important for a winter Olympics?
Canadians are the kings and queens of freebase skiing! Wait. Freestyle. I meant freestyle. Though maybe freebasing, too. At least in Toronto.
Sorry, but you want me to get excited about a triple-triple in figure skating when men were literally hurling and somersaulting IN THE SKY on snowboards and not dying? Game over, triple sowcow. You’re the beeper of the Olympics now.
Skiing
“No Liggety, no doubt.” Ahhh, that felt good to finally say. Ahhhhh. I can’t believe I had such self restraint for so long. Phew. So much better now.
Swedish skier keeps a raw egg in his pocket for good luck bc he saw that in the movie Cool Runnings. He knows they didn’t win, right?
I watch 20 minutes of moguls and I’m so arrogant. I can barely handle intermediate and I’m all like, “God, did you see that knee break. Jesus. He totally lost it.”
Huh. I guess we should have known that the French would excel at ski cross given how much experience they have at running away from things.
The Nordic Combined cross-country portion is exciting, but I have no idea who is competing. The announcer is just screaming Germanic-Nordic syllables in what seems to be no particular order. But I have deduced that a large, white man will win.
“I like to push. I push heavy things. But then I get scared and hide. I don’t wanna see.” — Thoughts of men who want to be the anchor of the two-man bobsled.
Jamaican bobsled in 2014 is like the 30 year old who still hangs out at his college pub. It was fun. Great memories. But we’ve moved on. It’s time. Let it go.
“Hockey is Putin’s sport” is a euphemism for “This is all because he is still sore about 1980. Let us freaking beat you and then we can all just move on.”
“It’s going to come down to style. And he was stylish.” Nope, not a voguing contest. The men’s long jump. It’s a phrase that probably shouldn’t be used to describe how a winner of a sport is determined unless Heidi Klum is a judge.
“If you would have told me 10 years ago there would be 3 Poles in the ski jumping event, I wouldn’t have believed you.” — Commentator. Well, if you would have told me 10 years ago that stat would be a highlight of your broadcast to an American public that doesn’t care about your sport, I wouldn’t have believed you. Really, pick 3 of anything else and it would have been more interesting.
General
Here’s the USA secret to racking up gold medals: We create crazy winter sports (snowboarding half pipe), get them in the Olympics, sweep a couple of times, and then when everyone catches up (damn Swiss and Japanese), we just introduce a crazier sport (slope style). Boom.
Many winter events are actually combined events (biathlon, Nordic combined, traditional combined). So how long until the Winter Olympics just evolves into one Super Combined Everything event? That would be amazing.
“Norwegians are so strong in snow events.” –Commentator. In other news, commentators are so strong at stating the obvious.
Opening Ceremony
The two countries with the worst real estate — Poland & S. Korea — march out together to watch each others backs. Trust no one
“I did it! I know how to make us look even blonder & our perfect teeth whiter!” — Designer of Norway’s outfits
“Hey world! We’re just wearing non-threatening USA cardigans & silly knit hats! Cookies & coco? Just give us all ur medals, k?”
“Um. Tajikistan. The flag bearer is a man. He has brown hair. He is walking…Meredith jump in anytime here.” — Matt Lauer trying to figure out what to say about Tajikistan
Yeah, Meredith Veira & Bob Costas. I’m sure every former Soviet Republic wants you to refer to as former Soviet Republics when they’re in Russia.
Meredith Veira just told us to “Google it” if we want to know more about the Cyrillic alphabet bc she needs to talk more about outfits
Snowflake didn’t open to create the 5th Olympic ring. Someone’s going to the gulag.
Travels with Cheese 