Spite curtains

\ˈspīt\ \ˈkər-təns\

Origin: New York City, 2014.

Definition: Doing something that is good for you only after breaking up with the ex who suggested it.

Example:  “He always bothered me to buy curtains for the bare windows. So after we broke up, I went out and got curtains… he had a point. I did need them.”

Usage, adverb: “Hiring that cleaning service was a real a spite curtain move.”

Usage, verb: “He spite curtained me by getting that new litter box after I moved out.”

Usage, noun: “Those new nightstands are freaking awesome spite curtains. Up top!”

A spite curtain is a physical manifestation of your resentment, a physical “F you” to your ex. And even if your ex never knows about it, the important thing is that you know they got spite curtained, and sometimes that’s victory enough. It’s like a little “screw you” amulet you get to wear over your heart.

A spite curtain is usually an actual object, but it can sometimes manifest as an action, like getting a new doctor, trimming your beard, or flossing. (If you haven’t done any of those things in the last year, stop reading and go do them right now. Be an adult).

Of course you knew it was a good suggestion while you were still romantically involved – you’re not an idiot (even though the ridiculous nickname you’ve given your wifi network suggests otherwise). But you resisted because you were in a dysfunctional relationship full of resentment and weird power struggles. As a result, taking the suggestion to get curtains is seen as giving in, losing, surrendering your independence. It’s cutting off your hair like Samson.

Healthy relationships just don’t have spite curtains lurking in the background. In a healthy relationship, you’re partner suggests curtains, you go “eh,” and then your partner goes out and buys them anyway because you’re wrong. Because that’s love.

So look around your apartment for your nascent spite curtains now because they are harbingers of trouble seas ahead.

Then get the curtains and break up: You’re destined to break up anyway (she’s awful), so you might as well stop the creepy neighbor’s peep show now.