No one looks happy eating fish.

They may look smug — and they should. That’s definitely the healthy choice. But happy? No way. Sneak a peek them throughout the meal, and you’ll catch them longingly looking at everyone’s meat entrée. Really look into their eyes, and you’ll see a profound sadness lurking there.

Don’t believe me? Test out my hypothesis for yourself. Next time you’re out to eat and someone orders the fish, ask both the fish-eater and the meat-eater the same question and compare the responses.

Question: How’s your entree?

Fish-eater: “You know, it’s cooked well. Flaky.” They say it with a half-smile, lips puckered, head nodding, and with a high-pitch overly enthusiastic voice, all tell-tale signs that they are trying to use their body language to convince their taste buds that they like what their eating.

Meat-eater: “OMFG. So. Freaking. Good.” They usually say this with full mouths and aren’t even looking at you, as they’re too in love with their food to make small talk. Or even breathe.

Question: What’s it taste like?

Fish-eater: “Good. Yeah…good. Not fishy at all. The garlic and sauce kinda cover up the fish taste.” Now their eyes are squinting, and they are staring intently at their plate, as it’s suddenly dawning on them that something must be wrong if the highest praise they can offer is that the chef has managed to disguise the main ingredient’s natural taste. Their shoulders droop a little bit further. They steal side glances at the meat dish, wondering if there will be leftovers.

Meat-eater: “Sorry, what? I didn’t hear you. How does it taste?! It taste like the Virgin Mary herself made it. I’m about to have a meat orgasm.” They are probably doing an awkward butt shimmy and shoulder bop as they awkwardly seat-dance to the jazz playing in the background, wine glass alternatively at their lips and in the air.

Question: Do you want to share dessert?

Fish-eater: “I could definitely eat dessert. But I want my own!” They say this as they are already full engrossed in the dessert menu. This is the first time you’ve heard honest joy in their voice since you started eating. And of course they want their own — they’re still freaking hungry. No one ever said, “Oh, man. That trout really filled me up. I couldn’t eat one more bite.” No one. So they’ll probably order the biggest, most outrageous dessert item possible because they really want to feel like they’ve eaten — and the waiter already removed the bread basket so dessert is the only chance they have to save the night.

Meat-eater: “Wow, um, yeah, sure. I can maybe squeeze in a few bites. I’m just sooooo full.” You actually feel slightly uncomfortable talking to them because you get a sense that you are interrupting an intimate moment as they are rubbing their belly and wearing a post-coital grin, their eyes only half open.

Try it out and let me know.